Article 38081 of alt.music.progressive:
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From: bberends@pipeline.com (Bill Berends)
Newsgroups: alt.music.progressive
Subject: 20 rules of conduct for a.m.p.
Date: 23 Sep 1994 19:59:40 -0400
Organization: The Pipeline
Lines: 94
Message-ID: <35vq5c$sf4@pipe3.pipeline.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: pipe3.pipeline.com

Someone forwarded these to me from an unknown WWW site. I found 
them to be at once both amusing and sad. Decide for yourself, 
enjoy.


The 20 rules of conduct for a.m.p. (or, which bands you should 
like):

1) Any band whose name you can successfully pronounce the first 
time... SUCKS!!  (Bands are extra-k00l if their names contain 
umlauts, ampersands, tildes, hacheks, tonoses, or other foreign 
or non-ASCII characters.)

2) Yes without Steve Howe... SUCKS!!  Genesis without Peter 
Gabriel... SUCKS!!*  Marillion without Fish... SUCKS!!

3) The band's best song must be > 10 minutes long, and be in a 
time signature x/8, where x is a prime number.  If the time 
signature is x/y where x and y are BOTH prime numbers, they 
SHRED!!

4) Anil Prasad, Dan Spalari, and Fish are all one person.  So 
Fish actually does have net access, as has been rumoured on the 
FREAKS list.

5) If the band has ever been played on a radio station that 
broadcasts at more than 50 watts, they SUCK!!

6) Every thread must eventually boil down to a discussion about 
Yes, King Crimson, Rush, or Ozric Tentacles.

7) Trevor Rabin can bite me!! (See rule 2)

8) If the first time you heard of a band was not on a.m.p, 
they've sold out and they SUCK!!

9) If any of your friends and/or family not on the net have 
ever heard of the band... they SUCK!!

10) If a song has lyrics, the title of the song must not be 
contained in the lyrics.  However, if the song is an 
instrumental, the title can be in the lyrics.

11) The band must use an instrument that cannot be found in any 
music retail outfit (i.e. the Stick, ribbon controller, EWI6129 
Model IIIc, viola de gamba, Roland MIDI sitar, or synthaxe).

12) If you don't play a musical instrument, you SUCK!!

13) Even if you do play a musical instrument, you probably 
still SUCK!!

14) Boxed sets SUCK!!  Any band that has ever or will ever put 
out a boxed set SUCKS!! (Except for the Stromboli limited 
edition 4 CD Ukrainian-only-release retrospective that was sent 
to two radio stations in Kiev.  They SHRED!!)

15) If the cover of a band's CD incorporates a monkey, a 
diaper, and a hot water bottle, they SHRED!!

16) The bass instrument used by any band must have at least six 
strings.  Otherwise, they SUCK!!

17) The members of Yes have included many great artists: two 
vocalists, three guitarists, two drummers, one bassist, three 
keyboardists, and a dancer.

18) Bootlegs are very detrimental to the artists and do nothing 
but harm the music industry.  If a band doesn't have more 
bootlegs than legitimate releases, they SUCK!!

19) If Anil, Ranjit, Mike Borella AND Mike McLatchey have all 
never heard of a band, they fucking KICK ASS!!

20) Never contradict Anil.

If you adhere to these guidelines, you can avoid all flameage.  
You MUST flame the hell out of anyone who breaks any of these 
rules.

Observations on a.m.p. by Mike Grimes and Kyle Wohlmut 
Disclaimer: To paraphrase Johannes Brahms, 'If there is anyone 
we have failed to offend, we do sincerely apologize.'



*********************************
Bill Berends
MASTERMIND
bberends@pipeline.com
*********************************