Article 738 of rec.music.progressive:
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From: hobbs_a@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Newsgroups: alt.slack,rec.music.progressive
Subject: The Brag of the Prog-Rock SubGenius
Date: Thu,  1 Jun 95 14:13:45 +1200
Organization: Wellington City Council
Lines: 57
Message-ID: <3qj7qh$hhu@golem.wcc.govt.nz>
NNTP-Posting-Host: ix.wcc.govt.nz
Xref: news.claremont.edu alt.slack:34244 rec.music.progressive:738

This is being cross-posted to alt.slack and rec.music.progressive.

THE BRAG OF THE PROGRESSIVE-ROCK SUBGENIUS

(played back from DAT tape; interjected with completely extraneous solos on
guitar, synth, bass, drums, harpsichord, vachalia, Chapman stick, wine glasses,
mellotron, etc, etc, all in a more complicated time signature than the last)

I TOOK ON ALL THREE SHULMAN BROTHERS IN A CONTEST OF PROGRESSIVITY AND made
them sound like GROUCHO, CHICO and ZEPPO! Pardon the ranting, but I'm the 
ROUGHEST, TOUGHEST,HIPPEST, MOST CLASSICALLY-TRAINED PROG-ROCKER THAT EVER 
CRAWLED OUT OF THE LONDON CONSERVATORY! I built my own synthesizer myself out 
of SHOPLIFTED PARTS from TANDYS, and when I plugged it it and played my first 
CHORD I LEVELLED the TAJ MAHAL! Jon Anderson thinks my lyrics are JUST PLAIN 
TOO WEIRD! FRANK ZAPPA thought I had a BAD ATTITUDE! YEEHAH! I write songs in 
key signatures of Twenty-three SHARPS, and in time signatures of Pi over a 
RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR!!! They say Magma invented their own language, well, by
God! I invented my own damn ALIEN CIVILISATION, complete with a fully-func-
tioning CULTURE, LANGUAGE, HOME ECOSYSTEM and THRIVING INDUSTRIAL BASE just so
there'd be someone ADVANCED enough to UNDERSTAND MY THREE-MINUTE HIT SINGLE! 
Keith Emerson gave up writing _Tarkus ][_ and went back to cartoon soundtracks
when he heard me SINGING in the SHOWER! I'm so progressive, STEVE HOWE joined 
ASIA out of SHEER SELF DEFENCE! YEEHA! You think Tales from Topographic Oceans
is long? You think Satie's _Vexations_ is long? Well, I had to use a TIME MACH-
INE to go back to the MEZOZOIC AGE just so I could START MY NEW ALBUM BEFORE 
THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES! Aieee! You think Kate Bush has a high voice? I SING SO 
HIGH EVEN DOGS CAN'T HEAR AND BATS FLY OFF THEIR TRAJECTORY RIGHT THROUGH MY 
REHEARSAL ROOM WINDOW! I don't ransack *clasical* and *mediaeval* music - I go 
all the way back to the NEOLITHIC AGE! Yes, cavemen hammering two rocks togeth-
er are ASTOUNDED when my time machine TURNS UP and makes a DIGITAL SAMPLE! I 
told Robert Fripp I thought he was a PRETENTIOUS WANKER and he SHOOK MY HAND!
Yeah, baby, those dinosaur bands are scared of me - because I use REAL DINOSAURS
in *my* music! All twenty former members of King Crimson tried to beat me to
death with vinyl copies of "LOVE BEACH" and I not only survived, I recorded it
and built a damn CONCERTO AROUND IT!!! You think you're progressive 'cause you
play with ORCHESTRA's? BIG DEAL! I play with WHALES! Yessiree "Bob", I've got
a thousand CETACEI that function as my personal CHOIR, that even read the
BIZARRE notation I made up for them to UNDERSTAND! AIEEEE! TORMATO HAD NOTHING
ON ME, and I look better in a red jumpsuit than GREG LAKE! John Cage thought
I was "just too out there"! WHY DO YOU THINK TREVOR RABIN'S LEAVING YES, EH?
It's because I offered him a job as my ROADIE! Yes, ol' Trev would prefer to
CARRY MY GEAR! I got Saddam Hussein to start the Gulf War just to provide a
BACKDROP for my concert in TEL AVIV! Yeah, baby, I make Rick Wakeman look like
Tony Kaye on a bad day - I play TWENTY keyboards at once, using my HANDS, my
FEET, my FOREHEAD, my NOSE, my PRIVATE PARTS and TELEKINESIS for the rest! They
hire me as a LIVING SEQUENCER! I eat all three MEMBERS OF GENESIS for BREAK-
FAST! Record companies CRINGE at my TREAD! I wipe VAN DE GRAAF GENERATOR off
my HANDS after a particularly blistering SOLO! AIEEE! PROG BLOWOUT! I am the
goddamn WAVE OF THE FUTURE, I'm not old wave, I'm not new wave, I'm NINTH WAVE!
You'll NEVER get *me* to sell out - MANAGERS and AGENTS *PAY ME* to BANKRUPT
THEM! Now plug that electric viola in, and we'll

[tape explodes]
--
Anthony "Slug Of Doom" Hobbs	Wellington, NZ		hobbs_a@ix.wcc.govt.nz

Don't think it over. Always takes you over. Sends your spirit dancing.