From: ucrmath!rhyde@ucsd.edu  (randy hyde)
 
Which language is right for you?
 
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
 
Assembler:
        You shoot yourself in the foot.
 
Ada:
        The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
        a blindfold and a last cigarette.
 
APL:
        GN </ FT ^ BLT
 
BASIC (interpreted):
        You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
        is waterlogged and falls off.
 
BASIC (compiled):
        You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
        launcher.
 
C++:
        You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
        foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
 
COBOL:
        USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
        ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
        HIP.HOLSTER.
 
csh:
        After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
        the computer and switch to C.
 
dBase:
        You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
        are promised to work so you buy them.  Then you find out that the
        next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
        shoot bullets.
 
FORTRAN:
        You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
        toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
        was anticipated.
 
Modula-2:
        You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
        might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
 
Pascal:
        Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
        gun and your hand is blown off.
 
PL/I:
        After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
        processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
        and drops the original on your foot.
 
Smalltalk, Actor:
        After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
        manager shoots you in the head.
 
Snobol:
        Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
 
Some more--
 
C: You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you
   did.
 
Pascal: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
        is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
 
DCL: You know there must be a lexical to do what you want somewhere, but
     you drop the manual on your foot trying to find it.
 
ORCA/C: Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!

Linux: Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help
       you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
 
Anyone claiming one language is better than another: You shoot yourself in the
foot and blow off your head because of where you had put your foot.
 
*** Randy Hyde